I don't know; Alaska!

Is she needin' to tend to her litter?
Does she think she's a heavier hitter?
So why is she bailin'?
It permits Sarah Palin
To become the prime twit with a Twitter?

Sarah Palin's exit as Alaska governor stuns, puzzles observers
By Mark Z. Barabak and Robin Abcarian
The Los Angeles Times, 7/4/09

A pilfer of his community

Cuyahoga County Commissioner, Jimmy Dimora

Not to be confused with

deceased fellow huckster, Billy Mays

Have you ever encountered a poorer
Excuse than of Jimmy Dimora?
The conspiracy claim
Is nearly as lame
As Sodom accusing Gomorrah!

Dimora Alleges Republican Conspiracy,
Seeks Federal Investigation
Bill Rice, WCPN, 6/29/09

But wait, there's more

What a week! Along with Michael Jackson's untimely death, Farrah Fawcett earned her angel's wings after a long battle with cancer, and Ed McMahon may team up again with Johnny Carson in the afterlife. But as I think about who had the most profound effect on my life, with his ready-made solutions to all of life's problems, sometimes one's I didn't even know I had...

As I ponder, comparatively,
Who I'll miss to the highest degree;
Amid choice upon choice,
Sounds his singular voice:
"Billy Mays here!" "as seen on TV."

Billy Mays dies at 50; boisterous TV pitchman
By Richard Fausset , Los Angeles Times, 6/29/09

Bad news

The news of his death seemed a killer
Like a 510 lb. gorilla.
In his own Neverland,
Michael seldom was bland;
And we'll likely not see such a thriller.

Michael Jackson's death catches
entertainment journalists unprepared
By Tina Susman, Los Angeles Times, 6/27/09

The trail not taken

Advice for Governor Mark Sanford

If you ever expect to avert
Being soiled by adulterous dirt
Then don’t' let 'em catcha,
Not in Appalachia,
But hiking up somebody's skirt.

S.C. Gov. Sanford Admits to an Affair
He Was Visiting Woman in Argentina
By Philip Rucker and Manuel Roig-Franzia
The Washington Post, 6/24/09

More tortuous rhetoric

Mr. Cheney's the spokesman we'd pick
Claiming "charges of torture won't stick."
Some think it a goof.
We say it's the proof
That conservatives didn't know Dick!

read more | digg story
The Old Faithful of Nonsense
By Eugene Robinson, The Washington Post, 5/12/09

Not sMART

Have we ever been further apart
Than we are on the Medical Mart?
Its critics have railed
That the County has failed
In transparency right from the start!

Earlier drafts of medical mart deal had
Cuyahoga County paying overruns, kept dealings private
By Joe Guillen, The Plain Dealer, 4/10/09

Depp-lorable acts

The Hollywood vision is narrow.
True crime gives a chill to the marrow.
Real pirates aren't dashing.
Their acts should be smashing
Your image of Captain Jack Sparrow.

Pirates hold captain hostage as U.S. ship sails away
By Edmund Sanders and Julian E. Barnes
The Los Angeles Times, 4/10/09

A 21, [uh] 18,[uh] 15 gun salute!

We must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence,
whether sought or unsought, by the military-industrial complex.
--------– Dwight D. Eisenhower


The Pentagon: Gates tries to nudge it.
His figures don't lie; didn't fudge it.
Will Congress comply?
If they don't, you know why.
Their pork barrel spending: can't budget!

OK so it's "put up or shut up" time for all those fiscal conservatives that have been saying they don't want to burden our children or our childrens' children with with the cost of universal healthcare or alternative energy development or education reform. Let's see how many of them are still eager to ante up for antiquated aircraft carriers, obsolete fighters, and outmoded weapons systems just to fill the pockets of fat cat constituents. Anyone taking bets?

Pentagon chief takes aim at big weapons programs
Defense Secretary Robert M. Gates wants to spend
less on elaborate systems and
more on boosting troops and intelligence.
By Julian E. Barnes, Los Angeles Times, 4/7/09

Star blight

With corruption enough to appall,
The sheriff's not flustered at all.
Which proves that this guy
Can tell the big lie;
And the bigger, the harder McFaul.

A little local news today and a bone to the opposition. I've never been a big fan of Gerald McFaul, a former pipe fitter who has managed to lock up the office of Cuyahoga County Sheriff for over 30 years through old fashioned political clout and plenty of under the table dealings. He's the longest tenured on a list of shady sheriffs in this county and I hope his resignation marks a new era of responsible and respectable law enforcement in the area. But I aint holdin' my breath!

State agents raid McFaul's office, seize records
By Mark Puente, The Plain Dealer, 3/27/09

The medium is the massage

For the acting award in a drama
This year's Webby should go to Obama.
His appeal on Nowruz
Demonstrates he makes use
Of a YouTube as well as Osama.

Kudos to our president for recognizing that the same medium used with great effect by bin Laden to foment anti-American sentiment could also be used to massage attitudes in the Middle East. No mater the official response from the Ayatollahs, the video will be ubiquitous. Hooray for YouTube diplomacy!

Obama Reaches Out to Iran With Holiday Video Message
By Debbi Wilgoren and Thomas Erdbrink
The Washington Post, 3/20/09

School is not out yet on this plan

Don't you think it's time someone learned their lesson?

AIG has a novel invention.
It's the bonus that's paid for retention
Of delinquents, not there.
Do you think that is fair?
Or, instead, should we give them detention?

An Outpouring of Anger From Lawmakers at A.I.G. Hearing
By David Stout, the New York Times, 3/18/09

Body of lies

Thanks to Mattel (and Hugh Hefner) for
fifty years of unrealistic expectations.

What psychic could possibly gauge
How this freak would become all the rage?
With plenty of plastic
She's looking fantastic
So Barbie's not telling her age.

Barbie doll gets a splashy 50th birthday bash
By Booth Moore, The Los Angeles Times, 2/17/09

A Titanic mistake

As Limbaugh shouts "I'm king of the conservatives!"
it's no time to be quibbling over which side of the boat you're on.

To those who support Rush's quip:
You chose to embark on this trip,
And refusal to bail
Means the captain could fail;
But you're bound to go down with the ship!

GOP Seeks Balance With Conservative Icon Limbaugh
By Perry Bacon Jr., The Washington Post, 3/4/09

del.icio.us

Some dog, millionaire?

Michelle says the family agrees
On a Water Dog, type: Portuguese;
Cuz they're easy to train.
Hubby wishes in vain
That Republicans were such a breeze.


Obama Vows, ‘We Will Rebuild’ and ‘Recover’
Jeff Zeleny, The New York Times, 2/25/09

Octomom vs. Dr. Mindbender

This self-absorbed mother is still
Being run through the media mill?
With all this exposure
We think, Heaven knows, you're
Just giving her ego its Phil.

Suleman says hospital wants proof she can care for octuplets
She tells TV host 'Dr. Phil' McGraw she fears that they
may not be released until she has a better living arrangement.
She and her six other children live at her mother's house
By Jessica Garrison and Kimi Yoshino
The Los Angeles Times, 2/25/09

Who wants to be a m...

Movie of the Year?

We endure what seems endless and numbing
Just to view what we knew would be coming.
The predictable plot?
When you're hot, you are hot;
And Oscar was hot to go Slumming.

Golden Statuettes, Leaden Television
By Tom Shales, The Washington Post, 2/23/09

The real Travis-ty

For the people unwisely beguiled
By the notion a chimp is a child,
It's time to replace it.
You really must face it;
This primate's primarily wild!

Cleveland Clinic Gets Victim of Chimp Attack
By Lawrence K. Altman and Anahad O'Connor
The New York Times, 2/19/09

No Jif's brands or butters

All because of this arrogant putz
Salmonella's infecting our guts.
It sticks in the craw
And we hope that the law
Strings him up by his poisonous nuts.

Peanut-borne salmonella is subject of outrage in Congress
By Rebecca Cole, The Los Angeles Times, 2/12/09

Heroes by any other name...

would tell us "geese."

Few fumble through life without blame.
Fewer ride their descent into fame.
But this pilot with skill
Has both given a thrill
And new meaning to "Sully" one's name.

Flight 1549: A Routine Takeoff Turns Ugly
Captain Sullenberger Recalls The Bird Strike
And The Tense And Crucial Minutes That Followed
Interview by Katie Couric, CBS 60 Minutes, 2/8/09

Short by design

But long on creativity

In four hundred seconds duration
You'll receive the complete presentation.
Tonight is Pecha Kucha*.
We hope that we gotcha
Intrigued by this brief conversation.

*pronounced in three syllables like "peh-chak-cha"
From the Japanese for sound of conversation or chit-chat

Come join us tonight at the House of Blues for what looks to be an interesting and inventive evening.

Pecha Kucha version 2.0
-- speed-dating for creatives and their audiences -- comes to Cleveland
Posted by Steven Litt/Plain Dealer Architecture Critic, 2/4/09

Playing Crazy Eights with ethics

Fertility drugs are a fix,
Not a means for this mom to get kicks.
Were her docs in a trance?
When it comes to implants,
Don't they think that "enough" might mean six?

Octuplets Fallout:
Should Fertility Specialists Set Limits?
By Bonnie Rochman, Time, 2/2/09

Snow time like the present

Will Congress stay frozen in ice
Or take the Obamas advice?
To a Midwestern child,
The higher it's piled,
The more we just work and play nice.


As to Ice, Chicago Still Obama's Kind of Town
D.C. Needs 'Toughness,' President Says
By Daniel de Vise and Michael Birnbaum
The Washington Post, 1/28/09

Coming soon...

To a theater (of the absurd) near you.

Blagojevich, feeling the sting,
Thinks he's Gandhi, Mandela, and King!
What's next? He'll evoke
Those Middle-earth folk
And be Frodo protecting the Ring?

Blagojevich in NBC interview compares himself
to Gandhi, King and Mandela
By Lynn Sweet, Chicago Sun-Times, 1/25/09

Culture clash

As a simple appeal to our hearts
We support a Department of Arts;
But a Government role
Oft reduces the whole
To a sum of much less than its parts.

I submit the above as the Savant's addendum to the online petition in support Quincy Jones' proposal for a new department. Though I see enormous potential for promotion of the arts and enhancing their influence, I am wary when the political culture mixes with the artistic one. Giving government bureaucracy a role in the fragile creative process scares the willies out of me. Remember that the camel was a horse, created by committee. Imagine what they might do to a horse's ass like yours truly!

Weigh in on where you stand in The Savant's latest useless poll to the right. =>

and click on the link to sign the petition if you're so inclined.

Quincy Jones Leads Chorus Urging a Cabinet-Level Arts Czar
By Jacqueline Trescott, The Washington Post, 1/14/09

And so we would know it was real...

Guess who was singing?

If the voice went a little bit flat,
You're Aretha! We know you're "all that!"
For your power to wow
You can still take a bow;
And, what's more, take a bow for that hat!

[OK, Mark. This one was for you]

A little prayer from the Queen of Soul
By Richard Morrison, Times Online, 1/21/09

A dream fulfilled

Now work to be done.

We have witnessed the arduous climb
Just to savor this moment, sublime.
Let the message ring out;
Can there be any doubt
That, at last, change has come to our time?

New President, 'New Era Of Responsibility'
by Mara Liasson, NPR, 1/21/09

Hawk like an Egyptian?

Speaking of "bail-outs," look who's out on bail.

His investors aren't feeling so sunny
To discover the tar in the honey.
The deals of their dreams
Were mere pyramid schemes
Where the dealer Madoff with the money!

[N.B. The unfortunate fact is that you or I may be one of his unwitting investors by proxy!]

Bernie Madoff's Victims:
Why Some Have No Recourse
By Robert Chew, Time, 1/12/09

Word of the Year 2008: "Bailout"

So "bail-out" was Word of the Year?
As a verb, we expected to hear
It used one of the times
When, for myriad crimes,
Those crooks went to court to appear!

Oh yeah. That didn't happen, did it?

About Auto Bailout
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

If the shoo fits...

A reporter, expressing his mood,
Made a gesture to Bush that was rude.
Though he took it in jest,
He has been such a pest
It seems fitting, somehow, he got "shoed."

All I can say, after reviewing the video, is "What a lame duck!"

Bush Trip To Iraq Has Sole, Reporter Throws Shoes
Morining Edition, NPR, 12/15/08

Would you buy a used car business plan from these men?

In Detroit, yes, the outlook's not sunny,
But the Big Three's solution seems funny.
Do they really expect
To survive the car wreck
By filling their airbags with money?

Automakers Take Plea for Bailout to House Committee
Hearing Comes Day After Senate Appearance Fails to Persuade Lawmakers
By Lori Montgomery and Kendra Marr
The Washington Post, 12/5/08

But who will make the coffee?

Look how far we have come in this nation
That a woman can rise to this station;
And in order to rate
Secretary of State
No one asked her, "Do you take dictation?"

Congratulations Hillary! Let's hope this isn't becoming the woman's job.

A Concession Wrapped in an Acceptance
By Alessandra Stanley, The New York Times, 12/1/08

"Thanks, but no thanks"

---Sarah Palin

'Tis the season we all should join ranks;
Remember good fortune; give thanks.
And though I concede
We must help those in need,
Do we need to give fortunes to banks?

Happy ThBanksgiving

Here is a turkey recipe that includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing. When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out.
Give this a try:

8 - 15 lb. turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good)
1 cup uncooked popcorn

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for the popping sounds. When the turkey's butt blows the oven door open and the bird flies across the room, it's done.

Restore TARP to Its First Purpose
By Peter Ackerman and John Vogelstein
The Washington Post, 11/26/08

World domination?

Well, not exactly.


A day I don’t listen is rare
So today didn’t seem very fair.
Just the luck Limerick has!
While Scott Brick reads White Jazz,
Marco Werman reads me on the air!

Figuring on cruel Clevetown commute this snowy evening. The Savant pops "White Jazz" CD into the mobile music box. Ellroy on a silver platter. To soothe jangled nerves. Typically Mullins and Werman and Bell ride shotgun. Better than a police scanner for taking the pulse of this crazy world.

Not tonight. Tonight it’s Scott "Solid As A" Brick. He’s laying down the staccato rhythms of L.A. dicks and hot chicks. Cool. Gritty. Solid as his name. "Lay it on me, Scottie boy. Lay. It. On."

Suddenly Ellroy's sweet beat is cut short. That familiar cellular buzz. It's Rene. What does she want? "Hello?"

"He's reading you!"

"Wha?'

"Marco. He's reading your limerick! On the radio."

"Shit!"

It's too late. Fingers fumble. Can't switch modes in time. He's gone! "Yeah, I…"

"I'm so excited!" She cuts me off, excited. "I was checking a kiln and I think I hear 'Limerick Savant.' It's Marco Werman on the radio. And then he repeats 'Limerick Savant' and he's reading your limerick! Right there on 'The World!' I couldn't believe it!"

"I sent them an email. I was listening yesterday. You know, the 'Global Hit.' They had on this violinist. Lisa Mullins interviewing this controversial guy. He's like a virtuoso. Plays like Mozart. But he does the cadenzas like 'Turkey in the Straw.' Or Bluegrass. Or Jazz. Whistling. But still Mozart. You know. Still his style. Notes. Gilles Apap. That's his name. So I compose this limerick while I'm driving home. And I send it to them. I do that sometimes. When a story inspires me on NPR I send them the limerick. They never even write back. This time it was PRI. I didn't expect anything. Remember? I sent them that one when they did their April Fools story. The 'exploding maples' story. They totally got me with that one! I thought my limerick was pretty clever. They never answered. But I'm usually listening. Not today. I can't believe it! Of all the times. I think, 'I'll listen to that book from the library.' The James Ellroy. What bitter irony!"

"Well maybe they record it. Can you get it online?"

"That's it! Thanks, doll. Sure. That's where I linked to that Frenchy fiddler story. I'm saved."

"You should write a limerick about THIS."

"Huh?"

"You know. The whole 'missing it' thing."

"Yeah. Sure, babe."

So our savvy Savant is saved. Thanks to miracles of modern tech. He's got the whole story. Downloaded. On mp3. Suitable for play on his iPod. Where he can listen to Marco reciting his limerick over and over. That smooth cool voice. Selected and looped. Deleting the unneeded. A Global Hit. At least in his own mind.

And remember. You heard it here first. Off the record. On the Q.T. And very hush hush.



Beth Rowley PRI's The World
By Marco Werman, The World's Global Hit, 11/21/08
Posted using ShareThis

Gilles appeal

When Gilles Apap plays without fetter
The faces of stuffed shirts get redder.
As they rant and they rave
Mozart turns in his grave
In order to hear all the better!

Global Hit - Gilles Apap
By Lisa Mullins, The World, PRI, 11/20/08